King Cobra

This is a sketch from the King Cobra's Christmas Gig 1999, that was the independent student production intended to be a performance of Star Wars Episode I: The Phan-Club Menace.


Oil-covered MECHANIC behind counter. Enter refined CUSTOMER

Customer Is my car ready?

Mechanic What type of car was it?

Customer It's a 1964 E-type Jaguar

Mechanic Eee-type Jag?

Customer That's right

Mechanic What was wrong with it?

Customer You don't know what's wrong with it?

Mechanic We know what's wrong with it now

Customer What do you mean?

Mechanic Well, I think it's going to be hard to drive without a steering wheel

Customer What!?

Mechanic That and the fact the rear axle's bust

Customer But I only brought it in with a dodgy gearbox!

Mechanic Oh, so that was it? What exactly was the problem?

Customer There's a problem with top gear

Mechanic Yeah, they only review Japanese rubbish these days

Customer Pardon?

Mechanic "Top Gear" only review Hondas and stuff nowadays

Customer Look, I need my car. When can I have it?

Mechanic Erm... What's today's date?

Customer December 3rd

Mechanic Right then... It should be ready... December 12th

Customer Oh good

Mechanic 2001

Customer What!?

Mechanic Okay, if we rush, a month earlier

Customer I demand a courtesy car!

Mechanic Courtesy - you'll be lucky!

Customer A replacement!

Mechanic Well, there's a VW Beetle out the back you could have

Customer Hardly a replacement for a Jag, is it?

Mechanic Well, my brother at Hampden could give you one

Customer How am I supposed to get there?

Mechanic Get a lift from a footy supporter

Customer Football?

Mechanic Yeah. England-Scotland

Customer That was weeks ago!

Mechanic Was it? Oh well, stuff you then.