This is a sketch from the King Cobra's Christmas Gig 1999, that was the independent student production intended to be a performance of Star Wars Episode I: The Phan-Club Menace.
Oil-covered MECHANIC behind counter. Enter refined CUSTOMER
Customer Is my car ready?
Mechanic What type of car was it?
Customer It's a 1964 E-type Jaguar
Mechanic Eee-type Jag?
Customer That's right
Mechanic What was wrong with it?
Customer You don't know what's wrong with it?
Mechanic We know what's wrong with it now
Customer What do you mean?
Mechanic Well, I think it's going to be hard to drive without a steering wheel
Mechanic That and the fact the rear axle's bust
Customer But I only brought it in with a dodgy gearbox!
Mechanic Oh, so that was it? What exactly was the problem?
Customer There's a problem with top gear
Mechanic Yeah, they only review Japanese rubbish these days
Mechanic "Top Gear" only review Hondas and stuff nowadays
Customer Look, I need my car. When can I have it?
Mechanic Erm... What's today's date?
Customer December 3rd
Mechanic Right then... It should be ready... December 12th
Customer Oh good
Mechanic Okay, if we rush, a month earlier
Customer I demand a courtesy car!
Mechanic Courtesy - you'll be lucky!
Customer A replacement!
Mechanic Well, there's a VW Beetle out the back you could have
Customer Hardly a replacement for a Jag, is it?
Mechanic Well, my brother at Hampden could give you one
Customer How am I supposed to get there?
Mechanic Get a lift from a footy supporter
Mechanic Yeah. England-Scotland
Customer That was weeks ago!
Mechanic Was it? Oh well, stuff you then.
© Brian Wakeling