In the summer of 1999, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace was released. I saw it in Edinburgh sometime in July. 24 hours later, this 20 minute spoof was completed. I planned to have it performed just before Christmas at college, but there were casting difficulties, and we only managed to do the lightsabre fights, in amongst a load of other sketches, some of which are reproduced elsewhere on this site.
ONLY WON KENOBI
QUI GON JINANTONIC
JAR-HEAD BINKS / YODEL, JEDI MASTER
SOUTH PARK VOICE OVER / RACE ANNOUNCER VOICE OVER / TURD FEDERATION VICEROY
QUEEN ARMADILLO OF NABOO
CAPTAIN CAVEMAN, HEAD OF NABOO ARMED FORCES
WATTO / GUARD 1
CHANCELLOR VALIUM/GUARD 2
ONLY WON KENOBI and QUI GON JINANTONIC in a forest on Naboo. ONLY WON is Stage R, QUI GON is Stage L. Both face Stage L. A rumbling is heard.
Only Won Master?.. Master?.. Master Qui Gon Jinantonic?
Qui Gon Yes, Only Won?
Only Won What's that noise?
Qui Gon It must be the Turd Federation's invasion force.
ONLY WON approaches QUI GON
Only Won Shouldn't we do something?
Qui Gon Yes - run. Split up, I'll meet you back at Naboo city!
They both run off Stage R
The rumbling is getting louder. JAR-HEAD BINKS is alone on stage. QUI GON runs on Stage L and is blocked by JAR-HEAD
Qui Gon Get out of the way you stupid animal!
Qui Gon Get out of the way!
He manoeuvres JAR-HEAD round so QUI GON is facing Stage Rear
Qui Gon I said move it!
He nuts JAR-HEAD (who falls down), and runs off Stage R. JAR-HEAD sits up. The rumbling reaches a crescendo
Jar-head Oh shit!
Blackout. A loud squelch is heard. The rumbling dies down slowly.
Voice Over (South Park) Oh my God, they killed Jar-head!
Lights on. JAR-HEAD sits up as ONLY WON runs on Stage L. He stops by JAR-HEAD
Only Won Hi! Have you seen a Jedi knight pass by?
Jar-head Did you get the number of that bus?
Only Won It was a number 26. Have you seen a Jedi?
Only Won Have you seen a Jedi?
Only Won Which way did he go?
Jar-head That way (Points Stage R) I think
Only Won Thanks
He kicks JAR-HEAD in the fork then runs off Stage R JAR-HEAD staggers up
Jar-head Hey! Wait for me!
He follows the Jedi
QUEEN ARMADILLO's Throne Room. QUEEN ARMADILLO and CAPTAIN CAVEMAN are grouped Stage R. Two Federation GUARDS are with them, as is the Federation VICEROY
Viceroy Queen Armadillo, unless you sign a treaty that will legalise our occupation of your planet, I will torture everyone until you do.
Queen Get stuffed!
Viceroy Very well. Guards! Take them to a prison camp!
Guard 1 Yes Sir!
The VICEROY leaves Stage R. The GUARDS begin marching the prisoners off Stage L. QUI GON and ONLY WON enter Stage L, draw their lightsabres and kill the GUARDS.
Qui Gon Queen Armadillo, I must inform you that your planet has been invaded by the Turd Federation.
Queen I realised that.
Qui Gon We must leave for Coruscant immediately.
Captain How? They've captured the spaceport, and there's a blockade around the planet.
Qui Gon We will deal with that problem when we get to it.
Queen Very well, lead on
They exit Stage L. Blackout, in which the GUARDS remove themselves from stage. Lights on. QUI GON, ONLY WON, QUEEN ARMADILLO and CAPTAIN CAVEMAN enter Stage L and walk across to the other exit.
Qui Gon Well how was I to know, it's the first time I've been here!
Only Won The spaceport complex is twenty miles across and visible from space! How can you miss it?
Qui Gon Size is not important. I mean, look at Yodel. Three foot tall and leader of the Jedi Council.
Only Won He is eight hundred years old, Master.
They exit Stage R
The Turd Federation VICEROY's flagship. The VICEROY is talking to a shadowy figure near an exit
Viceroy The invasion is going well, My Lord, but Queen Armadillo has vanished.
Sith Vanished? How?
Viceroy We think she was kidnapped from our forces by two Jedi knights.
Sith Jedi knights? I will send my apprentice, Daft Mole, to deal with them. He has been trained well.
SITH backs off stage as a GUARD enters from the other side
Viceroy That was our master on the comm - you had better have good news about Queen Armadillo
Guard Sir, a lone Naboo cruiser managed to sneak past our blockade. We think it was the Royal Flagship.
Guard We managed to damage its' hyperdrive sir, it won't be able to go very far.
Viceroy Excellent, put a trace on it.
QUEEN ARMADILLO, QUI GON JINANTONIC, and ONLY WON KENOBI are on stage. CAPTAIN CAVEMAN drags JAR-HEAD BINKS on stage
Captain I found it cowering in the repair bay
Queen What is it?
Qui Gon He was in my way back on Naboo. I thought a tank squashed him.
Only Won He was alive when I left him
Jar-head Only just
Queen Victim of war or not, a stowaway is a stowaway. Where are we headed now that our hyperdrive is damaged?
Only Won Tatty-inn. A desert planet on the outer rim with virtually no Federation or Republic presence.
Queen Good, we can leave him there. Will we be able to repair the hyperdrive on Tatty-inn?
Only Won We should be able to, Your Highness, it's not completely backward.
Qui Gon If not, then it's going to be a long wait for a rescue ship from the Senate
The planet of Tatty-inn. QUI GON JINANTONIC and ONLY WON KENOBI are talking to a scrap merchant, WATTO, and his assistant, ANAKIN SKYWALKER
Qui Gon We need a new hyperdrive and fuel.
Watto You've come to the right place. I'm the only one on Tatty-inn who sells hyperdives. What sort do you need?
Only Won A class J7 drive for a diplomatic cruiser
Watto Got anything to trade for it?
Qui Gon Twenty thousand Republic Credits
Watto What about them? Republic Credits are no use here.
Qui Gon No, credits will do
Watto No they won't
Only Won Credits will do
Watto They won't. I'm immune to Jedi mind tricks, you know.
Qui Gon One moment please.
He moves away from WATTO and ANAKIN, drawing ONLY WON after him
Qui Gon What can we do about that?
Only Won We could trade him Queen Armadillo's wardrobe
Qui Gon What'd he want with her wardrobe?
Only Won Alright then, we'll leave the costumes inside
Qui Gon I doubt it would be enough.
Anakin Can I go and finish repairing my pod racer now?
Watto No you can't
Qui Gon Pod racer?
Anakin I'm the best pod racer pilot in the sector
Watto You're the only pod racer pilot in the sector
Only Won Pod racers are too fast for most humans to handle, master. Do you think he has Jedi blood?
Qui Gon We can find out later. (To WATTO) Tell me, when is the next pod race?
Watto Tomorrow - the Boomtown Rats Open, here on Tatty-inn.
Qui Gon Is there a big prize?
Watto The biggest
Qui Gon Are you planning to enter?
Watto I don't race, I bet
Anakin I was hoping to enter, but if my racer's not fixed, I won't be able to.
Watto And even if he does fix it, he doesn't have the entry fee.
Only Won Can't you sponsor him?
Qui Gon What if we sponsor him?
Watto What with?
Qui Gon Our ship?
Watto Your ship?
Only Won Our ship?!
Qui Gon If we don't get it repaired we're stuck here. If we sponsor him to race and he wins, we'll have enough local currency to pay for repairs.
Only Won And if he doesn't win, we're stuck here anyway.
Qui Gon Exactly
Watto You got yourself a deal.
They shake hands
Qui Gon What's the boy's name?
Anakin Anakin Skywalker. Most people call me Annie.
Only Won Well, Annie Skywalker, I hope you get your racer repaired in time for tomorrow's race,or I'm going to die laughing after hearing your name every day for the rest of my life.
The planet Coruscant. SITH and DAFT MOLE are talking
Sith The Jedi have been traced to Tatty-inn. Kill them first, then return with Queen Armadillo
Daft Mole Tatty-inn is a sparsely populated planet, it will be easy to find them
Sith When we have the Queen, we can begin our takeover of the Senate
Daft Mole At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. At last we will have revenge.
Sith Yes, we will have revenge. Go! Do not disappoint me.
Daft Mole Yes, my Master.
Tatty-inn, the day of the pod race. ANAKIN, QUI GON and JAR-HEAD are on stage
Anakin I've never actually won a race before.
Qui Gon There's a first time for everything
Anakin Actually, I've never finished one either.
Qui Gon There's a first time for everything
Announcer 1 (Off) Pilots to your vehicles!
ANAKIN exits Stage L, and JAR-HEAD starts to follow
Qui Gon Stay where I can see you, and don't touch anything!
JAR-HEAD exits Stage L
Announcer 2 (Off) Gentlemen, start your engines!
Anakin (Off) Jar-head, you're standing in the engine flare! Get out of the way!
Jar-head (Off) What?
There is a woomph off stage, as of a film of petrol being set alight. JAR-HEAD screams
Voice Over (South Park) Oh my God, they killed Jar-head!
Announcer 1 (Off) Three! Two! One! Go! They're off!
ONLY WON enters Stage R with CAPTAIN CAVEMAN and QUEEN ARMADILLO
Only Won How's Annie doing?
Qui Gon They've only just started
Queen We've just received word from Senator Palpitate
Only Won Who's he?
Captain The Senator for the Naboo system
Queen He says if we have not arrived at Coruscant within a week, he will send a rescue ship.
Only Won Why do we need to go to Coruscant then?
Queen I must present my plea to the Senate in person, or they may not act against the Turd Federation
Announcer 1 (Off) And as they complete the first lap, it's Scumball in the lead, followed closely by Ody Mandrell, and a good two lengths behind it's little Annie Skywalker! What do you think of that, Bob?
Announcer 2 (Off) It's a very exciting race so far, Bob!
Qui Gon He's got to do better than that.
Only Won (Hissed) You didn't tell them about the arrangement with Watto?
Qui Gon Why should I? It would only make them worry
Queen Tell us what?
Qui Gon Pardon, Your Highness?
Queen Tell us what about the arrangement with Watto?
Qui Gon I'm not sure I follow...
Only Won Republic Credits aren't accepted here. We had to bet your ship against Anakin winning the pod race so we could afford to repair it.
Queen (Outrage) What?
Qui Gon It was the only way, Your Highness. Watto is the only one...
Only Won Yes?
Qui Gon Not you. Watto is the only person on the planet who stocks hyperdive engines, and he won't take Republic Credits in payment.
Announcer 1 (Off) And as the racers near the end of their second lap, there are only three of them left in the race! Scumball in the lead, Annie Skywalker second, and...
Announcer 2 (Off) Wait Bob! There's someone on the track! The pilots haven't seen him! He's going to get...
JAR-HEAD screams offstage
Voice Over (South Park) Oh my God, they killed Jar-head!
Announcer 1 (Off) As they begin the third and final lap, the two remaining pod racers are piloted by Scumball in first place and little Annie Skywalker in second! Over to you, Bob.
Announcer 2 (Off) Well, that isn't the first time a spectator's been killed, Bob.
Queen He's got to do better. A week will be too late for my planet.
Only Won What exactly are the Turd Federation threatening to do?
Captain Unless Queen Armadillo signs a treaty with the Federation legalising the occupation of our planet, the Federation will randomly torture and kill the population until she does.
Qui Gon That approach never works. Sooner or later they'll run out of victims
Queen I am not prepared to allow that to happen
Only Won What about Palpitate? Can't he do anything on Coruscant?
Queen The Senate will only act if I present my plea to them personally
Qui Gon Then Anakin had better win
Only Won Here they come now!
Announcer 1 (Off) And it's neck and neck as the two racers approach the finish line! 400 yards!.. 300 yards!.. 200 yards!..
Announcer 2 (Off) Wait Bob! Skywalker is pulling ahead! 100 yards!.. Skywalker wins!
Everyone cheers, then ANAKIN enters Stage L
Anakin I won! I won! Qui Gon Jinantonic, I won!
Qui Gon Well done! The Force was with you!
Queen Now perhaps we can get our ship repaired?
Anakin I'll go and get my winnings, then I'll take you to Watto
ONLY WON, QUI GON and ANAKIN are outside their starship
Qui Gon Are you sure you want to come with us?
Anakin More than anything in the world!
Qui Gon It will be very dangerous
Anakin I don't care. I want to be a Jedi like you
Only Won Master! Look! (He points off Stage R)
Qui Gon I don't know what it is, but it looks dangerous. Get aboard and prepare for takeoff. I'll hold it off until you're aloft.
ANAKIN and ONLY WON exit Stage L. QUI GON draws his lightsabre as DAFT MOLE enters. Brief fight
Captain (Off) Qui Gon! We're airborne! Get aboard!
Qui Gon Coming!
He punches DAFT MOLE in the stomach and runs off Stage L while he's recovering
The Naboo flagship has arrived at Coruscant. SENATOR PALPITATE and CHANCELLOR VALIUM are waiting for the passengers to disembark
Palpitate There is much dissention over this issue in the Senate, Chancellor. A firm hand is needed.
Valium And you, no doubt, will provide that hand.
Palpitate If the need arises, Chancellor, I will try and rise to the occasion
QUEEN ARMADILLO, CAPTAIN CAVEMAN, QUI GON JINANTONIC, ANAKIN SKYWALKER, ONLY WON KENOBI and JAR-HEAD BINKS enter Stage L
Queen Chancellor Valium, Senator Palpitate, I greet you.
Valium Welcome to Coruscant, Queen Armadillo. I wish the circumstances surrounding your visit were more favourable.
Queen As do I, Chancellor. My people are suffering while a weak Senate decides not to act
Valium Your Highness, there are procedures that must be followed in any situation such as this. The Turd Federation must present their case, but even then, a committee must be set up...
Queen I would suggest that the weakness of the Senate and its' unwillingness to act is caused by its' leadership. If no action is taken to help my people once I have presented my case, I will call for a vote of no confidence in you.
Palpitate Well said, Your Highness.
Queen Thank, you Chancellor Palpitate
Palpitate Please, follow me. We must discuss your presentation to the Senate this afternoon
PALPITATE and QUEEN ARMADILLO exit Stage R, followed by VALIUM, CAPTAIN CAVEMAN and JAR-HEAD
Anakin What about us?
Qui Gon We are to wait here for Master Yodel, the head of the Jedi Council
Anakin How will he know we're here, you haven't sent any messages
Qui Gon He will know
Only Won What are we going to do with that Jar-head creature?
Qui Gon Leave him with Queen Armadillo
YODEL enters Stage R
Yodel Back welcome, Qui Gon Jinantonic, Only Won Kenobi and
Qui Gon Greetings Master Yodel
Only Won Greetings Master Yodel
Qui Gon Master Yodel, we were forced to stop on Tatty-inn on our way here. We were attacked by a mysterious figure learnéd in the ways of the Jedi
Yodel Know this already I. Think you what it was?
Qui Gon I think it may have been a Sith lord
Yodel Sith? Extinct they have been for millennia!
Qui Gon Nevertheless, Master
Yodel Very well. Brought me have you what?
Qui Gon His name is Anakin Skywalker. I believe he has strong Jedi blood. I believe he is the one spoken of in the Prophecy
Yodel Prophecy of him that balance to Force brings?
Qui Gon Yes, Master
Yodel Say you so. The Force strong in him is
Anakin Thank you Master Yodel
Yodel A good thing that necessarily not is
Qui Gon I request permission to train him in the ways of the Jedi
Yodel Not permitted that is! An apprentice you have already
Qui Gon I believe Only Won is ready to take the tests and become a full Jedi Knight
Only Won I am ready!
Yodel Only Won ready maybe is, but train this boy you must not
Qui Gon Why not, Master?
Yodel Too old he is, clouded his future is
Qui Gon Then what should we do with him?
Yodel Return to Naboo with Armadillo Queen he must
Anakin I don't want to leave Qui Gon
Yodel Going with you they will be
Only Won We are returning to Naboo, Master Yodel?
Yodel Whatever attacked you on Tatty-inn was the Queen after. Protect her you must
Qui Gon As you wish, Master
QUEEN ARMADILLO, CAPTAIN CAVEMAN and SENATOR PALPITATE enter Stage R as YODEL exits
Queen Well that was a farce
Palpitate I did warn Your Highness that the Senate is riddled with corruption, and only a strong leader would be able to make them act
Queen Even though Chancellor Valium will soon be voted down, I have no faith that you will be able to get things moving quickly enough to save my people. I must return to Naboo
Captain Your Highness, it will be much too dangerous!
Palpitate If Your Highness returns, the Turd Federation will only make you sign their treaty, and I will not be able to act
Queen I do not believe you will act in time anyway, Senator Palpitate. When I return I will force the Turd Federation Viceroy to sign my own treaty
All except PALPITATE exit Stage L. JAR-HEAD runs on Stage R
Jar-head Wait for me!
He exits Stage L. PALPITATE shakes his head and exits Stage R
The Royal Hangar on Naboo. QUEEN ARMADILLO, CAPTAIN CAVEMAN, JAR-HEAD BINKS, QUI GON JINANTONIC, ONLY WON KENOBI and ANAKIN SKYWALKER on stage
Qui Gon What exactly is your plan, Your Highness?
Queen I was hoping you to advise me
Qui Gon It's your palace
Captain I suggest we find the Viceroy and hold a gun to his head
Only Won Good plan. Where is he likely to be?
Anakin I can find out, all I need is access to a computer terminal
Captain There's one over there (Indicates somewhere offstage R)
ANAKIN exits Stage R
Queen Do you think he can do it?
Qui Gon He has the blood of a Jedi. He will be able to do it
Anakin The Viceroy's in the throne room. His army's almost all droids. If I can have more time, I could shut them down for you.
Captain Do it. Your Highness?
ANAKIN goes back to the terminal as DAFT MOLE enters Stage L
Qui Gon Leave this to us
JAR-HEAD, QUEEN ARMADILLO and CAPTAIN CAVEMAN exit Stage R as QUI GON and ONLY WON draw their lightsabres
Only Won It's the Sith Lord again, Master
Qui Gon I know.
DAFT MOLE extends his lightsabre and there is a long fight. Near the end, ONLY WON is stunned and QUI GON is stabbed.
Voice Over (South Park) Oh my God, they killed Qui Gon!
As DAFT MOLE prepares to kill ONLY WON, he recovers. There is a brief fight and ONLY WON kills DAFT MOLE
Only Won Master!
Qui Gon Train the boy. (Dies)
The throne room. The VICEROY and two GUARDS are present
Viceroy What's happening?
Guard 1 The droids have been de-activated!
Viceroy Get them back on line!
JAR-HEAD, QUEEN ARMADILLO and CAPTAIN CAVEMAN enter Stage R. GUARD 2 shoots JAR-HEAD
Voice Over (South Park) Oh my God, they killed Jar-Head!
QUEEN ARMADILLO and CAPTAIN CAVEMAN shoot the GUARDS. QUEEN ARMADILLO levels her gun at the VICEROY's head
Queen Now Viceroy, I think we have a treaty to sign
The city of Naboo, Chancellor PALPITATE's ship has just landed. QUEEN ARMADILLO, CAPTAIN CAVEMAN, ONLY WON KENOBI and ANAKIN SKYWALKER are waiting. PALPITATE and YODEL enter Stage L
Palpitate Your Highness, I do believe my action in the Senate was unnecessary
Queen I had to do something to save my people
Palpitate Which you have appeared to accomplish
Queen Since my actions have made your actions in the Senate unnecessary, are you going to step down and return control to Valium?
Palpitate Don't be naive. Where is the Federation Viceroy?
Captain I'll take you to him
The CAPTAIN and PALPITATE exit Stage R
Yodel Sorry to hear of Qui Gon's death, I was
Only Won Yes, Master
Yodel Killed you the Sith lord?
Only Won I did, Master
Yodel Then ready you are to be a Jedi knight
Only Won Thank you, Master Yodel
Anakin What about me?
Yodel A Jedi you cannot be
Only Won He is the Chosen One. I gave my word to Qui Gon to train him
Yodel Then him train you must
Only Won Thank you, Master
Yodel Always two, there are - Master and apprentice. Even in Sith
Only Won But which was killed?
Yodel Never is there only one
Only Won Yes Master Yodel?
© Brian Wakeling. Entire Star Wars concept and films © George Lucas