King Cobra

This is a sketch from the King Cobra's Christmas Gig 1999, that was the independent student production intended to be a performance of Star Wars Episode I: The Phan-Club Menace. It happened a few weeks after the Euro 2000 qualifying matches between England and Scotland (England 2-0 at Hampden Park, Scotland 1-0 at Wembley, England going through on a 2-1 aggregate. The college I went to was in Edinburgh, and I'm English).

Fitba', Fitba', Fitba'

KEVIN KEEGAN & CRAIG BROWN sitting in pub talking

Craig I'm sick as a parrot, Kevin

Kevin Are you? Well, I'm over the moon Craig

Craig Aye, you would be, you and your army

Kevin What army? It's your lot's got the Tartan Army

Craig Your supporters are just as bad

Kevin If they ever get let out, it'll be a real Battle of Britain

Craig A Scot's not safe in London

Kevin Your lot's glorious failure at Hampden should mean you didn't need to play Wembley

Craig We've had some good results in the past few months

Kevin Yeah, right

Craig We're a good team, it's not my fault we don't score many goals

Kevin Well in my day there was none of this 1-0, 2-0 stuff. We panned you 9-3 once!

Craig Aye, nine yellow cards and three red ones!

Kevin Nine goals to your three! Twelve goals in a match is good, none of your nancy two goals a match stuff!

Craig Talking of nancys', have you seen what the Americans call football?

Kevin Yeah, shocking

Craig It's just rugby for wusses! Our lads don't wear three feet of padding before grappling with each other

Kevin I'd be careful how you say that, if I were you