The pantomime that Skipton Players did put on in February 2003 needed some work doing to it - namely the Goldilocks and the Three Bears scene needed a complete re-working. As a sort of compensation, I was asked to do it. I tried to do it in a Monsters Inc-stylee, and have the big scary bears scared of the harmless little human girl. In the end, all but Goldilocks' speech was usurped in yet another rewrite - this time by the choreographer 
SET: TABLE, THREE CHAIRS, AND THREE BEDS. BOWLS OF PORRIDGE AND A JUG OF MILK ON TABLE. EXITS AT BOTH SIDES. BABY BEAR, MUMMY BEAR, AND DADDY BEAR ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE.
D Bear: Tuck in, everybody!
BABY BEAR IS THE FIRST TO TAKE A SPOONFUL.
B Bear: Ouch! That's too hot!
M Bear: Is it dear? [SHE TAKES A SPOONFUL] Ooh! Yes, it is hot.
DADDY BEAR LAUGHS
D Bear: Oh, nonsense! Porridge can never be too hot! [HE TAKES A SPOONFUL] Aaargh! Water, water, quick!
HE JUMPS UP AND RUSHES AROUND FRANTICALLY TRYING TO FIND SOME WATER, WHILST CLAWING AT HIS THROAT. HE EVENTUALLY GRABS THE MILK JUG WITH BOTH HANDS AND DRINKS DIRECTLY FROM IT.
D Bear: Aaah! That's better!
B Bear: I told you it was too hot!
M Bear: Yes, dear, you did. I shall make another batch, and this time I'll make it cooler.
D Bear: No, I'm too hungry - we'll have to think of some way of cooling it down, and fast!
M Bear: How about pouring milk on it?
D Bear: No, no use. I drank it all.
M Bear: Well that was silly. Milk always cools porridge down.
D Bear: Well this time it cooled my throat down, so it wasn't silly.
B Bear: We could blow on it!
D Bear: That would take too long.
M Bear: It's very cold outside. Why don't we open the door and let the wind cool our porridge down?
D Bear: Are you mad? We'd catch pneumonia!
M Bear: We could always go for a walk, then, to keep warm.
B Bear: Can we go for a walk? Please, please, can we go for a walk? I haven't been on a walk for ever such a long time!
D Bear: Hmm, okay. We will go for a walk then. And we'll leave the door open so the wind can cool down our porridge.
M Bear: But what if someone comes in?
D Bear: We're not in Keighley, you know! The crime rate's quite low around here!
M Bear: All right. But we'd better be quick, I don't trust this neighbourhood.
B Bear: Can we see if we can spot some humans? I like human-spotting.
M Bear: I've told you before, dear, humans are dangerous. They're toxic!
D Bear: I have to wear protective clothing when I go to work at the House of Horrors. I'm the best scarer they've got!
M Bear: Your dad's an expert! Come on, or the porridge will have cooled down all by itself.
THEY ALL EXIT LEFT. AFTER A PAUSE, ENTER GOLDILOCKS FROM THE SAME SIDE.
Goldilocks: What a quaint little house! Right in the middle of Skipton Woods. Who'd have thought it? [CALLS] Hello? Anyone home? [NORMAL VOICE] Oh well. I'd better stay here, just in case someone unscrupulous breaks in. [SHE SNIFFS] What's that I can smell? [SHE NOTICES THE PORRIDGE] Porridge? Well, at least they've got a healthy diet, much better than a lot of people these days. Most people would be satisfied with breakfast at Burger King, but whoever lives here likes their arteries. It's making me hungry. [GLANCES AROUND TO MAKE SURE SHE'S ALONE] Waste not, want not. Early-morning walks take it out of you, you know. [SHE TAKES A TINY SPOONFUL OF DADDY BEAR'S PORRIDGE] Ow! That's much too hot! I'll try this one. [SHE TAKES A SPOONFUL OF MUMMY BEAR'S PORRIDGE] Ouch! Too hot as well, but not as much. Let's try this one. [SHE TAKES A SPOONFUL OF BABY BEAR'S PORRIDGE] Mmm! Just right! [SHE FINISHES THE BOWL] Mmm! Delicious! I'd better sit down for a while, let my breakfast settle. [SHE SITS ON DADDY BEAR'S CHAIR] Ow, that's too hard. [SHE MOVES TO MUMMY BEAR'S CHAIR] Hmm. Too soft. I feel like I'm sitting in quicksand. I'll try the last one. [SHE SITS ON BABY BEAR'S CHAIR, WHICH BREAKS IMMEDIATELY] Whoops! I expect that would have been just right! Maybe I should lie down instead. [SHE MOVES TO THE BEDS, AND LIES ON DADDY BEAR'S BED] Oh, no! Much too hard. It feels like a plank of wood. [SHE TRIES MUMMY BEAR'S BED] No. Too soft, I feel like I'm sinking all the time. [SHE TRIES BABY BEAR'S BED] Mmm! Perfect. A bit small maybe, but just right. [YAWNS] I'd better not drop off, or whoever owns this house will think me awfully rude. [YAWNS AGAIN] Oh, well, maybe for just a few minutes... [SHE GOES TO SLEEP]
THE BEAR FAMILY RETURN
D Bear: Well, you were right! That walk did keep me warm, and our porridge should have cooled down by now. Let's tuck in.
DADDY BEAR AND MUMMY BEAR BOTH SIT, BABY BEAR STANDS LOOKING FORLORNLY AT THE WRECKAGE OF HIS CHAIR
D Bear: Something doesn't feel right. Has someone been sitting in my chair?
M Bear: I doubt it. Although - my chair feels as though someone's sat on it, too.
B Bear: Look what happened to my chair! Where am I going to sit?
D Bear: Oh, we'll nip down to Sunwin house right after breakfast and buy you a new one. Wait a moment! Someone's been tucking into my porridge while I've been gone!
M Bear: Someone's been eating my porridge as well!
B Bear [GRABBING THE BOWL AND HOLDING IT UPSIDE-DOWN]: Someone's been eating my porridge too, and they've eaten it all up!
DADDY BEAR STANDS UP, ANGRY
D Bear: Right! There's an intruder! It must be! Everyone stay close to me!
DADDY BEAR TAKES A CHAIR LEG AND HOLDS IT AS A TRUNCHEON, AS HE LEADS THE FAMILY ROUND THE HOUSE, SEARCHING FOR THE INTRUDER. THEY REACH THE BEDS.
D Bear: Someone's been sleeping in my bed.
M Bear: How can you tell?
D Bear: I made it this morning, and now the sheets are all rumpled.
M Bear: Someone's been sleeping in my bed too!
B Bear [FEARFULLY]: Someone's been sleeping in my bed, and they're still there!
M Bear: A human!
D Bear: Stand back!
HE CAREFULLY PRODS GOLDILOCKS WITH THE CHAIR LEG. SHE WAKES UP, SEES THE BEARS, AND SCREAMS AT THEM. THE BEARS SCREAM BACK. GOLDILOCKS JUMPS UP AND RUNS FOR IT (EXIT LEFT), THE BEAR FAMILY RUN FOR IT THE OTHER WAY (EXIT RIGHT). CURTAIN. "TEDDY BEAR'S PICNIC" IS PLAYED OVER SPEAKERS.
© Brian Wakeling