King Cobra

This is the only sketch worthy of the name from the ultimately doomed King Cobra's Summer Show 2000. It was inspired by a Dom Joly Trigger Happy TV antic that I caught late one night. It was ultimately re-used in The Fifth Duck.

Grey Squirrel

Enter BRIAN, dressed in trenchcoat, carrying briefcase. He sits on park bench. Enter IAN, dressed in trenchcoat, shades, trilby, and carrying briefcase. He sits next to BRIAN. When Ian speaks, it is in a thick Russian accent.

Ian Hello.

Brian Good morning.

Ian Nice day, isn't it?

Brian You could say that.

Ian The weather seems very fine for the time of year.

Brian Indeed.

Ian Not much wind at all.

Brian Yes, it's very calm.

Ian The east wind is warm in Russia.

Brian What?

Ian The east wind is warm in Russia.

Brian Is it? Oh, okay.


Ian Is that all?

Brian Er... Yes?

Ian I said, the east wind is warm in Russia.

Brian Yes, I heard you.


Ian The east wind...

Brian ...Is warm in Russia. Yes you said. I don't know why you find it so interesting.

Ian Are you not Grey Squirrel?

Brian Do I look like a bloody squirrel?

Ian I am to meet Grey Squirrel here at this time.

Brian I don't care what you do in your spare time, you pervert!

Ian I'm sorry, I thought you were Grey Squirrel

Brian I'm not a bloody squirrel! Go and pester someone else you maniac!

Ian I have to meet Grey Squirrel here.

Brian (Takes out mobile phone) If you don't bugger off I'm calling the police!

Ian The Spetchnatz or Geshtapo?

Brian They'll have the Commissioner of Scotland Yard down 'ere if you're not careful!

Ian Commissioner? Head of section?

Brian Head of section 28 for someone like you, you beastialist!

Ian Yes, I am the best on the lists.

Brian You mean there's more than one of you!?

Ian How can I be more than one person?

Brian Listen, you freak, just bugger off and stop harrassing wildlife, okay!

Ian (Puts hand in pocket and points gun at him through material) Take me to Grey Squirrel or I will kill you!

Brian Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?

Ian (Removes gun from pocket) Take me to Grey Squirrel!

Brian (Shit scared - Gets up, hands up) Okay okay! Jesus, don't you have forests in Russia?