With apologies to Monty Python
Rehearsals for the Christmas Gig were a turbulent time, with lots of disagreements and shouting. At one point, the cast was down to myself and Ian Fellowes-Gordon. We were planning to do Monty Python's Dead Parrot Sketch in the show to extend it a little bit. This is what I wrote on that fateful evening of two cast members, and we recorded it into my dictaphone there and then, with a view to playing it over the speakers at the end, as a nasty surprise for anyone else in the cast who managed to turn up.
We couldn't stop laughing when we first heard it, and neither could anyone else - they all loved it!
Ian Oy Wakeling! This cast you gave me.
Brian Yeah, what's wrong with it?
Ian Well, they're bloody dead, aren't they?
Brian They're not dead - they're just apathetic.
Ian Apathetic? I think you'll find pathetic is the word.
Brian Pathetic? They're a bunch of highly motivated professional actors!
Ian Professional actors? This lot wouldn't be motivated if I put my size 12 boot up their arse!
Brian I expect they're pining for the theatre.
Ian Pining for the theatre? Pining for the theatre!?
Brian Yeah!
Ian Look mate - this cast is no more, it's ceased to be, they've retired, they've gone down the Union. If they hadn't seen the chance to inflate their own sad little egos, they'd never have bloody turned up!
Brian Look! There's one!
Ian It's not! Oh, this is a complete farce!
Brian Well, so's the rest of the gig!
© Brian Wakeling. Original Dead Parrot Sketch © Monty Python