The House of Dead Ivy was an hour-long play devised and performed by the Drama & Theatre Crafts Wokshop of Specialist Autism Services. This is the script of the one minute version we did for our wrap party.
Poulter the Footman: Welcome to Hillstone Manor.
Inspector: I am Inspector Stevenson of Scotland Yard. I need to talk to Lord Granville.
Poulter: Come in.
Lord Granville: I don't like visitors. This is my daughter Lucinda, I don't like her either. My elder son is an idiot who fell off his horse.
Lucinda: I hate you.
Inspector: Did you murder your wife?
Lord Granville: My wife died eight years ago.
Jenkins the Butler: It were tragic sir, died in childbirth.
Inspector: I'm sure he's lying. I'll have a look around tomorrow.
Inspector: [Singing] Oh, what a beauiful morning! [Stops singing] There's no one here. That painting doesn't look like the woman I'm looking for. That looks like Lucinda's diary, she's not a happy bunny. Oh, it's evening already.
Poulter: His Lordship will see you now.
Lord Granville: You're a very lazy policeman.
Inspector: Well your staff are very lazy, and I no longer think you murdered your wife.
Lord Granville: Good, you can leave tomorrow morning.
Poulter: Milady, I love you, but the policeman knows everything.
Lucinda: No he doesn't! Now go and poison the wine.
Lord Granville: I don't like vegetables!
Lucinda: I'm getting married.
Lord Granville: About bloody time!
Lucinda: To a waiter.
Lord Granvlle: What? [Drink] Erk!
Lucinda: Servants, drink to my future happiness!
Jenkins/Lizie the Maid: To Miss Lucinda's future happiness! [Drink] Erk!
Poulter: The horses are ready, let's ride to Paris!
Lucinda: Father's dead, the servants are dead, my brother Albert's dead. Your turn!
Poluter: Lucinda - why?
Lucinda: Useful diot! The fortune is all mine and there is nothing anyone can do to stop me!
Inspector: Her horse has bolted and thrown her in a ditch!
Lady Ivy: All done now, we can rest in peace.
Inspector: There's no bodies here - they must all have been ghosts!
© Brian Wakeling