King Cobra Theatre

Another simple sketch from The Fifth Duck, this time based on one dialogue, two conversations.


Two BUSINESSPEOPLE enter, talking seperately on their phones

A Hi there, Pete, how'd the pub quiz go?

B Hi, Mike. Listen, I need those figures now.

A How soon is now? The Smiths did it, didn't they?

B Well, when can you get those figures to me?

A 1985

B That's not good enough, we've got a meeting in ten minutes.

A No, it's only seven minutes

B What about the EMI numbers?

A They weren't with them, they were with Rough Trade. They got hold of all the Madchester stuff

B No, it was Liverpool.

A Oh yes, so it was. Anything else?

B Well, who's in charge of that project?

A Bobby Robson, you muppet!

B Can you contact them and get them to finish it, then?

A Not with Statler and Waldorf, no. It was probably Fozzie

B That's not funny! I'm in a hurry here! Look, get hold of the project leader and poke him until he gets you the stuff so you can give it to me.

A I can get Pete to give you a lift, if you want?

B Okay, fair enough

A Yeah, it is, isn't it. Look, I've got to go, see you there?

B Okay, yeah, bye. Oh wait! You still there?

A has rung off and is walking towards the EXIT

A Nearly lunchtime

B Good. Listen, if the EMI numbers don't come through from Liverpool, try at least to get their quarterly reports. [A EXITS] We need something to present to the shareholders tomorrow, and if the EMI's can't be collated, it'll have to be the quarterly report and the projections. [PAUSE] I've already got the projections, that's what my team's been working on, but we need to show they have some basis in fact, which is why we need the quarterly reports, or better yet, the EMI numbers. [PAUSE] Because the EMIs are directly derived from market-place performance, the quarterlies are performance indicators based on speculative results.

At this point, A RUNS ON in a clown mask, and splats B in the face with a custard pie, before RUNNING STRAIGHT OFF.

B [Ignoring the pie] Look, just do the best you can, alright? I'm running late, and I really need to go.