This was my entry (in collaboration with Ian-Fellowes Gordon, with whom I'd worked before, and would do again) for the 2000 BBC Talent Sitcom Writing Competition. The title is taken from the last line of the "Rockumentary" This is Spinal Tap. It's always a good idea to write about what you know, and at the time I was very interested in the workings of the music industry. I was also, of course, a student, and this and the sketches elsewhere on this site were probably the major reason why I dropped out.


Scene 1

Aerial shot of Edinburgh. Pan from Princes Street to Corstorphine. Zoom in to Queen Margaret University College Student’s Union building, and through a window at the back.


Scene 2

Track camera down corridor towards a heavily barred door. We hear the sounds of an indie band rehearsing.


Scene 3

TOM, IAIN and KERRY are just finishing a "session"; in the Union's storeroom, with JAKE watching. They are just jamming, and not really getting anywhere. The music winds down and stops. JAKE comes over to the group.

Jake I think that went quite well.

Tom Bollocks it did. That was as bad as ever!

Kerry Yeah, we're never going to get anywhere.

Tom Well, it'd help if you actually had a bass guitar to play.

Kerry I'm learning, okay?

Jake Learning, yes, but you don't actually have one.

Kerry I can't just pinch my music teacher's, can I?

Iain I know someone who might be able to get you a fairly decent second-hand one, fairly cheap.

Kerry I'll check it out - if I think it's worth it.

Jake What do you mean by that?

Tom The sound - it's missing something, am I right?

Iain Yeah, it's missin' talent.

Jake Are you offering to leave? Before we're famous?

JAKE and IAIN approach each other, getting angry. IAIN is baiting JAKE (again), who doesn't realise (again).

Iain At this rate we won't be famous.

Jake Right, that's it. You've got ten seconds to take that back, or you're out!

TOM intercedes

Tom Leave it out, Jake! Iain's only trying to upset you!

Jake Well, it's working.

Kerry Let's just get to the bar and have a drink to calm down. We can do the argument thing later.

Iain She's got a point, Brylcream. Let's get pished and see if things look better through the bottom of a glass.


Scene 4

The Union Bar. JAKE and TOM are sitting either side of KERRY at a table, and IAIN has just brought a round of drinks over. It is mid-evening, moderately busy. It is talent night, and there is a small stage with a couple of microphones, a chair, a drum kit, and a keyboard, by the DJ booth.

Jake So, you said the sound's missing something.

Tom Yeah. I can't quite place it.

Kerry Neither can I. I expect we'll know when we hear it.

Jake How can you hear it if we haven't got it?

Iain She means we'll know what's missing from our sound when we hear it in someone else's.

On stage, someone begins gargling "Let Me Entertain You" with lager.

Jake No, I don't think so. We agreed, we're not going to copy anyone else's style.

Tom No, not the style. The sound. The, the, the general conglomeration of, of...

Jake Sounds?

Tom Yeah! Sounds!

Jake Clarity never was your long suit, was it?

Kerry No! He means... Well, he means exactly what he says, really.

Jake Clarity's not your long suit either, is it?

Iain Shut up Brylcream. Let her finish.

The lager-gargler has given up in the face of a combination of lack-of-interest, and howls of derision.

Kerry Thanks. No, he means we can listen to... "Blur", say, and they'll have a particular thing which works for them, and we can try that thing and see if it works for us.

Jake We're not copyin' anyone else's style!

Someone else arrives on stage, and proceeds to play a harmonica to the tune of Jingle Bells. He gets as far as the first verse, then gives up and changes to a free-form Blues stylee.

Tom Jake! It's not copyin'! If they have a, a clarinet, say, in one of their tunes, we can try a clarinet in one of ours. Or, we could listen to another band, and they'll 'ave a, a...

Iain Harmonica.

Tom Exactly! The harmonica'll work for them, so we can try it in one of our own pieces to see if it works!

Jake And how will we know? We don't exactly have any finished material yet.

Tom We'll play the stuff we 'ave got, then.

Iain So we put a harmonica part into "Death to Tony"?

IAIN throws an empty fag packet at the stage - the harmonica player departs.

Tom Why not?

Kerry It's a hard rock thrash piece. About the only thing harder's the stuff they built the castle from!

Tom So?

Jake Even I know you can't put a blues instrument like a harmonica onto a rock track.

Tom Okay, bad example. I'll add it to "Lead the Way", or something.

Iain From thrash rock to mid-range indie brit-pop. I'm beginning to think we lack musical direction.

Jake Don't look at me, I don't write the songs.

SIR PRANCELOT approaches the stage and sits at the piano. He begins playing a very complex classical piece.

Kerry Yeah, but you have the ideas about what to write.

Jake Well, it's my job isn't it?

Kerry Your job, Brylcream, is to give us enough direction so that an agent or a label will recognise our sound enough to sign us! They've got to know what we sound like so they can devise a marketing campaign, so that the public recognise us and our sound, and go out to buy it!

Jake And I suppose that when we do get signed, I'll no longer be needed to provide musical direction.

Iain You're not doing it now, why should you do it when we've got a professional to do it for us?

Jake I don't want to be part of a mass-marketed pile of shite like "Westlife"!

Kerry Hey, leave off "Westlife"! Pick on someone like "S-Club Seven".

Iain That's not even music, there'd be no point.

Jake Look, the point is, right, "Death By Custard" should be a traditional, home-grown music concern that gets to number one on musical merit, and not the amount of glossy posters a prick in Mayfair has plastered all over the country.

Iain Have you got all this written on your cuff or something? You seem unusually well-informed.

Kerry And which home? I'm Irish, he's Scottish, and you two are Cockneys!

Jake Camden is not within the sound of Bow Bells, therefore, we're not Cockneys!

Tom What about piano?

Short pause while everyone re-adjusts their brains to take in TOM's comment.

Jake What?

Tom What about piano? I mean, why don't we include a piano in the band?

Jake Tom, why don't you just have another drink and let the people with brains do the thinking?

Kerry Shut up, Brylcream! He might have something. Yeah. I think a piano would work well.

Iain I can see it working.

Jake Oh come on, as if! Like a piano's going to be of any help to us. Name me one successful group who have a piano in their lineup.

Kerry "Madness".

Iain "Pulp".

Tom Yeah, think about it. A piano would make us really distinctive. No-one could mistake us then. A piano, guitar, bass guitar and drums. No-one else has that.

Jake So? (He turns and yells at the stage) For Christ's sake, leave it out Prancelot, we're trying to 'ave a serious musical discussion!

Iain Leave him alone, he's not doing too badly.

PRANCELOT's playing falters. A voice from the crowd shouts:

Voice Do "Great Balls of Fire"!

PRANCELOT does play "Great Balls of Fire". He stands, knocking his chair backwards, and pounds the keys like Jerry Lee Lewis.

Prancelot You shake my nerves and you rattle my brain!
Too much love makes a man insane!
You break my will!
Oh what a thrill!
Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire!

JAKE, TOM, KERRY and IAIN are staring at him in disbelief. This is the best thing they've heard since the news that tuition fees have been abandoned.

Jake We need keyboards. I always said, we need a keyboard player. Didn't I say that? We need a keyboard player.

Tom, Kerry & Iain (Together) Shut up, Brylcream.


Scene 5

IAIN's flat. A typical student room, but on a slightly larger scale. Film posters of various genres adorn the walls at irregular intervals. A medium-sized bookcase against one wall is half-full of books, half-full of CDs. There is a very cheap four-track recorder in the corner, next to a fairly decent stereo. Clothes litter the floor, as do miscellaneous bits of paper. The door opens and IAIN enters, followed by KERRY, JAKE and TOM.

Iain Mind the mess. I haven't had much time to myself lately.

Kerry And I thought my room was bad.

Jake Girls always think they're rooms are messy, until they see a bloke's room.

Tom You ought to see mine.

Jake Girls have no concept of the word "messy" until they've seen a bloke's room.

Kerry And you have no concept of the word "tact".

Iain (Closing the door) Okay, okay. We're here to talk about getting a keyboard player.

Tom Yeah, we definitely need one.

Jake I think that has been agreed on.

Iain Well sit down then! God, you'd think you'd never seen chairs before.

Kerry There are chairs in here?

IAIN grabs handfuls of clothes from an inflatable plastic armchair and a pile of papers from a desk chair, and chucks them in the wardrobe and the bin respectively.

Iain Yes, there are chairs in here. Now sit down!

KERRY sits on the armchair, TOM on the desk chair. JAKE sits on the bed, and picks up a book that is lying open, spine upwards.

Jake (Reading)"Mark Radcliffe - The Diary Of A Pop Nobody".

IAIN takes it off him and marks his place with a bus ticket.

Tom Keyboards!

Jake Exactly. We definitely need a keyboard player.

Iain We know that, Brylcream, now shut up and let those of us with talent do the thinking.

Kerry So, does anybody know anyone? (To IAIN) Hey, Iain, this is really comfy!

Tom Well, there's Sir Prancelot.

Iain (To KERRY) Thanks. (To all) Prancelot? Are you nuts?

Jake No way are we getting Sir Prancelot - he'll just want to take over, probably get us covering "Greensleeves" or something.

Kerry No, I don't like Prancelot. (To IAIN) Where'd you get it?

Iain Can't remember.

Tom We've seen how good he is.

Jake Yeah, but can he play like that for every tune?

Kerry Much as I hate to say this, but Brylcream's right. How do we know that those two tunes are the only ones he can play? (To IAIN) How much was it?

Iain (To KERRY) 'Bout twenty quid. (To all) Exactly. We'd be better to audition.

Jake More auditions? Great. Something else to worry about, and we have to put our career on hold until they're done.

Tom How else we gonna get a keyboard player?

Kerry (To IAIN) I'm going to get one of these. Are you sure you can't remember where you got it?

Iain (To all) No, it's got to be auditions. (to KERRY) Positive.

Tom Besides, until we get a keyboard player, we don't have a career.

Jake Fine! More auditions! Just hope I can find the space and a spare piano.


Scene 6

JAKE's POV as he thumb-tacks up a notice advertising the auditions to a noticeboard:

New band with revolutionary sound requires keyboard player.
Auditions @ 6pm, Tuesday 13th Feb. Union storeroom.
Must be able to read music, and sight play.


Scene 7

The storeroom of the Union Bar. JAKE, TOM, KERRY and IAIN are sitting looking non-plussed as a not-very-good pianist tries to play "Little Shop of Horrors" on a Yamaha keyboard. TOM holds up a hand.

Tom Okay, thank you, Mike. Thank you, Mike! THANK YOU MIKE!

The pianist breaks off. He's a Brummie

Mike Did yer loik it?

Tom Um...

Kerry (Hurriedly) We can't tell you at this stage of the auditions.

Jake Er, yeah, we can't. We'll let you know by Email by the end of the week. We 'ave got your address, 'aven't we?

Mike Yeah, I give it yer before I startid.

Jake Great. Well, don't let us keep you.

IAIN leads him out, then returns hurriedly.

Jake Comments, anyone?

Iain Crap.

Kerry Seconded.

Tom Carried. He was dire!

Jake Yeah, but compared to the rest?

Tom Not too bad.

Kerry The best so far.

Iain The lesser of two evils.

Jake We've seen more than two of them.

Iain I've got bad news for you.

Jake What?

Iain There's only one guy left - and it's Sir Prancelot.

Kerry Tell him to jack off!

Iain Can't. He'd complain to the societies officer we weren't giving everyone an equal chance.

Jake Bollocks! Okay then, wheel him in.

Enter SIR PRANCELOT. He immediately stands behind the keyboard.

Jake Name?

Prancelot Cedric Michael Digby Richards.

Jake Email?

Prancelot D-R one, R-I-C-H

Kerry Yeah, too bloody rich.

TOM walks up and hands him a sheet of music

Tom Could you play this for us, Cedric?

Prancelot Certainly.

He plays about thirty seconds of "Lead the Way". The others are deeply impressed.

Tom Thank you, that was great. (He gets up and retrieves the music)

Iain We've already seen you play without music, but we'd like to see you play something else from memory.

Prancelot Certainly. What would you like?

Jake Anything except "Great Balls of Fire" or whatever you did before it last week.

Kerry Nothing classical.

Iain And not what you just played, either.

Prancelot Oh, so nothing too taxing then.

Iain Just play yer bloody piece.

Prancelot Oh, the wit!

He begins playing "Philosophy" by Ben Fold's Five. After about twenty seconds, the band members hold a conversation sotto voice.

Jake Anyone know what this is?

Kerry I think I've heard it before, can't remember where.

Iain It's "Philosophy" - Ben Fold's Five.

Tom Yeah, it is. It's a good piece for piano. He's doing it well.

PRANCELOT stops playing.

Prancelot I say, do you mind? It's awfully rude to talk while someone's playing for you, you know.

Jake Yes, thank you. You're about done anyway. We'll let you know by EMail by the end of the week.

Prancelot Email? Oh, if that's the best you can do, I suppose it'll have to do.

He exits. JAKE, TOM, KERRY and IAIN make various insulting hand gestures behind his back until he's out.

Iain (Mimicking) Oh, if that's the best you can do, I suppose it'll have to do. (Normal voice) You pillock!

Jake God, what a prat!

Tom Yeah, but he's the best keyboard player we've seen.

Kerry More's the pity. Look, what are the chances of us getting famous without keyboards?

Iain Slim.

Jake They're not!

Iain Okay - non-existent.

Tom I don't wanna be the one to say this, but it looks like Sir Prancelot's our new keyboard player.


Scene 8

The Union bar. Enter JAKE, TOM, KERRY and IAIN from the back

Jake If we're really going to have Prancelot, let's at least make it hard for him.

Tom Why?

Jake So he gets a very clear picture of what we expect from him. If we have a rehearsal, it takes precedence over any drama poncy stuff he might be doing.

Iain Exactly. I had to give up football to shepherd you lot around, so Prancelot is going to have to give up fencing, isn't he?

Kerry Yeah. This is a band, we need to know what we're all doing. We can't have one person hardly ever here and then expecting to play in a gig.

Tom Yeah. Good point.

Jake Exactly. Come on Tom, we've got finish our presentation for tomorrow afternoon.

Iain We've got a rehearsal tomorrow afternoon.

Jake Oh, it won't take long. Tell you what, just to be on the safe side, let's skip tomorrow's rehearsal and we'll get together Thursday.

JAKE leads TOM out.

Kerry What have we just been saying about rehearsals taking priority?

Iain Ah, leave 'em. They're both a pair of idiots. Hey, now we've got tomorrow afternoon free, do you want to go and see if my mate'll sell you his bass?

Kerry Suppose so. I've got nothing else to do.


Scene 9

A bus stop on Great Junction Street, Leith. IAIN and KERRY have just got off a number 1 bus.

Kerry (With obvious displeasure) Your mate lives near here, does he?

Iain Yeah, just down here. (He starts heading down Cables Wynd)

Kerry I hope you realise that this is one of the worst areas in town.

Iain Oh, it's not that bad.

Kerry Not that bad? It makes the Gorbals seem friendly.

Iain Ah, come on!


Scene 10

IAIN and KERRY turn a corner into Yardheads

Kerry So how come he's got a bass guitar going cheap then?

Iain He got it in part payment.

Kerry Part payment for what? Is he a builder or something?

Iain Not really. He does contract work though.

Kerry What sort of contract work?

Iain He sort of... contracts out women to private clients.

Kerry He's a pimp!? That's it, I'm waiting back at the bus stop.

She turns round and heads back the way they came.

Iain What about the money? He'll want cash.

Kerry I'm not surprised! (She takes her purse out of her bag, and takes out a wad of notes) Here! If you're not back in twenty minutes, I'm going to catch the first bus back to college.

Iain Okay, okay. Jesus, you'd think the place was downtown L.A. the way you're carrying on.

Kerry Twenty minutes!

Iain Okay!


Scene 11

A lockup garage that doubles as an office. Think Del-boy's storeroom but with a distinctly seedier feel. LUKE is hunting through the drawers of a cheap MFI desk while IAIN looks on.

Luke They're in here somewhere.

Iain How did you fit the sodding thing in there anyway?

Luke Trade secret. (He finds what he's looking for) Aha! Found them. (He reveals a set of keys) Right, let's get it open.

They cross to a smallish safe against the back wall of the lockup, and LUKE begins to open it.

Iain I mean, a safe, yes, fair enough, but it's only a couple of feet across. How in Hell's name did you get a four-foot bass guitar in it?

Luke Trade secret, like I said.

Iain Luke, your trade is soft porn. When fitting a large object into a tiny safe, the only person entitled to say "trade secret" is a locksmith!

Luke Okay, okay, keep it down. Don't want everyone to know!

Iain Everyone knows already, Luke. The only reason you're not in jail is the cops are too scared to come down here.

LUKE gets the safe open. SHOT: The back of the safe, the wall behind it, and the back of another safe on the other side of the wall have all been cut through to make one large safe with a door at each end. LUKE pulls the guitar out.

Luke Here you go.

Iain Oh, for Christ's sake! Why did you do that?

Luke Do what?

Iain Cut a hole in the back through to a matching safe on the other side of the wall!

Luke Keep it down! I told you it was a trade secret!

Iain Okay, sorry. Have you got a case for it? Kerry won't want it damaged when I give it to her.

Luke Kerry? This, this bass player's a bird then?

Iain Yeah.

Luke Is she, is she fit, like?

Iain She's nice, aye.

Luke Do you er, d'you think she'd be interested in doing a bit of modeling, like?

Iain You keep your grubby little hands off her, I've got first dibs.

Luke You er, you wouldn't mind sort of, lending her to me, would you?

Iain It was hard enough getting her to come down here! When I told her what you did she went back to the bus stop. How hard do you think it's going to be to get her to come here for a topless session in front of your camera?

Luke I was only wondering...

Iain Aye, and you can wonder for ever! (He checks his watch) Listen, I'm away, otherwise she'll be on the bus without me. I'll see you later!

Luke Yeah, and you. And Kerry.


Scene 12

The gym. PRANCELOT and another actor, KENNY, are suiting up for a fencing lesson.

Kenny So, how goes your war with the cretins?

Prancelot Oh, didn't I tell you?

Kenny Tell me what?

Prancelot They auditioned for a piano player.

Kenny They what?

Prancelot They auditioned for a piano player.

Kenny Okay. And?

Prancelot I went along, played a couple of pieces, that sort of thing.

Kenny And?

Prancelot Kenny, you are showing altogether too much interest.

Kenny I'm interested. That's what interested people do - show interest.

Prancelot Very well. They said they'd let me know by EMail by the end of the week.

Kenny And?

Prancelot I checked this morning. I'm in.

Kenny That's great! You can really piss them off now, can't you?

Prancelot Actually, I was thinking of making a worthwhile contribution.

Kenny You can't be serious, Richards. You, playing piano? Give over!

Prancelot You've seen me play. I'm good, you can't deny that.

Kenny Yeah, you're good, but you're not exactly suited to playing in a pop band, are you?

Prancelot Says who?

Kenny It's obvious! You're more what they call a concert pianist.

Prancelot I am classically trained in both the piano and trumpet. I can play them both when I like, and play what I like.

Kenny I suppose it must be great saving on CD's of Mozart and stuff.

Prancelot Meaning what?

Kenny You won't have to buy his symphony number three, you can just play it.

Prancelot That's not the point of Mozart. Anyway, it rather looks like with me in their lineup, this ghastly little band will have a better chance of success than any other avenue open to me at the moment.

Kenny Fair enough. It's your call, I suppose.

Prancelot It is indeed.


Scene 13

TOM is waiting for the others to arrive for rehearsal in the Union storeroom. He is sitting on a speaker with his guitar round his neck. He looks across to the shelves along the wall. SHOT: TOM sees a large pumpkin next to a stuffed toy rabbit.

Tom (As Amanda Plummer) I love you pumpkin. (As Tim Roth) I love you honey bunny. (He stands, miming pulling a gun) Everybody be cool, this is a robbery! (He changes stance to hold the gun in both hands. As Amanda Plummer) Any of you pricks move, and I'll execute every last one of you!

He drops his stance and begins to play the Pulp Fiction theme, humming along to himself. IAIN and KERRY enter after the first few bars, KERRY with her new bass guitar. IAIN goes to the drums and they both join in when they can. PRANCELOT enters when the trumpet should start, and looks puzzled for a moment. He then moves to the keyboard, makes sure it is on, and joins in when the piano starts up. When they finish, IAIN and TOM let out screams of delight.

Kerry Yes! We can do it!

Prancelot I didn't know you knew "Misirlou"

Tom "Misirlou"? What's that?

Prancelot It's what we've just been playing.

Tom Was it? I thought it was the Pulp Fiction theme.

Iain That's what the Pulp Fiction theme's called.

Tom Oh, okay. I only started playing 'cos I saw those things on the shelf. (He indicates the pumpkin and toy rabbit)

Prancelot Shall we try it again?

Iain Why not?

Kerry (Towards TOM) I love you pumpkin

TOM looks embarrassed, IAIN grins

Iain I love you honey bunny. Everybody be cool, this is a robbery!

Kerry Any of you pricks move, and I'll execute every last one of you!

TOM starts playing, almost immediately PRANCELOT stops him.

Tom What's up with you, Prancelot?

Prancelot It should start on the bass.

Iain Should it?

Tom Hang on. (He mimes fingering the notes, his face a mask of concentration) Yeah, it should. You start, Kerry, I'll come in after... fifteen bars. (PRANCELOT has noticed something in the corner and is heading towards it) Where are you going?

Prancelot I think I can see a trumpet.

Kerry Can you play a trumpet?

Prancelot It's been a while since I have, but it's my second instrument.

Iain Check out Mister Talent! Okay then, go fetch. Play in the horn if you can, but if you're rubbish, you get a drumstick up your arse.

Prancelot (Sarcasm) What a terrible threat! I'm quivering! (He gets the trumpet - actually a very old and battered-looking cornet and goes back to the keyboard).

Tom Ready everyone?

Kerry (Towards TOM) I love you pumpkin

Once again, TOM blushes, IAIN grins

Iain I love you honey bunny. Everybody be cool, this is a robbery!

Kerry Any of you pricks move, and I'll execute every last one of you!

They play. Perfect rendition of "Misirlou", including PRANCELOT's trumpet and piano. JAKE walks in during the closing bars

Jake Is that really you lot playing that?

Tom Yeah! Good or what?

Jake Bloody brilliant! We can play that in the set!

Tom Yeah, we could! Opening number? Who wants to do... What was it?

Prancelot "Misirlou".

Tom Yeah. Who wants to do "Misirlou" as our opening number?

Iain Yeah, okay.

Kerry Yeah.

Prancelot Yes, why not?

Tom Great! "Misirlou" will be our opening number for our first gig!

Iain If we get one.

Jake You've got one already.

Kerry What?

Jake We've got our first gig. That's...

Tom You what?

Iain Our first gig? No way!

Kerry You had better explain fast, and it had better be good, or I'm going to shove this guitar where the sun doesn't shine!

Jake All right, calm down! As I was saying, that's why I'm late.

Tom You're late because you organised our first gig?

Jake Yeah. I was talking to Stan a few minutes ago, he was saying about how one of the bands they've got coming in in a few weeks can't find a support act.

Iain So you volunteered us?

Jake Yeah, why not?

Tom We're not ready!

Jake You seemed ready enough a few minutes ago.

Iain Brylcream, one song does not make a set. How long are we on for?

Jake Half an hour-ish. I said we didn't have much material.

Tom Too right! We've only got one song that's anywhere near finished.

The next few lines overrun each other and overlap

Jake Well, we can do cover versions can't we?

Kerry We're going to have to.

Prancelot Excuse me, but which song is nearly finished?

Tom "Lead the Way". Your audition piece.

Iain Okay, everybody be quiet for a minute! (When he has their attention) Right. So far, for a thirty-minute set, we've got two-and-a-half minutes of "Misirlou", and three-and-a-half minutes of "Lead the Way", when it's finished. That's six minutes. We'll need to learn at least six cover versions. Brylcream, when is this gig?

Jake Two weeks tomorrow.

Tom Not enough time.

Iain Exactly. I vote we do a twenty minute set, which means we only need to learn three more songs.

Kerry Okay.

Prancelot Twenty minutes, fine.

Tom Yeah, twenty minute set.

Jake Okay, a twenty minute set. It's not going to make much difference to them, is it?

Tom S'pose not.

Iain Yeah. So, which songs do we want to cover?

Prancelot "Common People"?

Jake Prancelot, you are not a common person, in any sense of the word.

Tom Doesn't mean we can't do it. "Common People"'s quite easy, actually.

Iain Fair enough, "Common People". What else?

Tom "Country House"

Jake Yeah, that's a good one!

Kerry Okay. I can cope with that.

Iain Prancelot, can you manage the trumpet for that?

Prancelot Yes, certainly.

Tom Okay, that's two. Anyone got a third?

Kerry How about something from Oasis? We've got songs from the other two really big brit-pop bands.

Iain Oasis, yeah. What did you have in mind?

Kerry How about "Champagne Supernova"?

Tom That seven-minute track off "What's the Story"?

Kerry Yeah, that's the one. It'll take up some time.

Jake Okay then. That's our three. We start with "Misirlou", then "Country House", "Common People" and "Champagne Supernova", and end with "Lead the Way", yeah?

Tom Yeah, sounds good.

Iain Real good.

Tom Better get practicing then. We won't be able to rehearse "Lead the Way" until I've done some more work on it, but we should be able to try the others.

Iain Okay. Brylcream, d'you know the words to those songs?

Jake Yeah, they're easy enough to remember. Let's get on with it.

JAKE moves to take up position with a microphone

Tom Let's start with "Common People", yeah? That's not too hard.

Jake Okay then. Hit it!

They start playing "Common People", and the real version cuts in overhead. MONTAGE SEQUENCE lasting about 3 mins: Shots of the band rehearsing, TOM finishing off "Lead the Way", JAKE crossing days off the calendar, the band drinking in the Union, PRANCELOT being ridiculed, IAIN and JAKE arguing, KERRY trying to flirt with TOM (he's not taking any notice), JAKE trying to flirt with KERRY (she gives him the cold shoulder), posters for the gig being put up, the band members chasing each other at night through the car park when drunk, PRANCELOT and KENNY talking, and finally more rehearsals. As "Common People" draws to a close, we see the band rehearsing "Champagne Supernova". They finish the song.

Jake Okay everybody, that was wonderful. Now, it's ten past nine, soundcheck was fine, and the other lot want to get on with it. So, let's go and play some music!

Iain Stop being cheerful, Brylcream, it doesn't suit you.

They go out of the storeroom and the camera tracks them into the bar, where they mount the small stage, do a few minor soundchecks, and launch into "Misirlou".

Kerry (Towards TOM) I love you pumpkin

Iain I love you, honey bunny. Everybody be cool, this is a robbery!

Kerry Any of you pricks move, and I'll execute every last one of you!

They start playing. SHOT: Close up of clock on wall behind the bar. The hands show 9.15. MIX TO a shot of the hands showing 9.39. Cut back to the band on stage

Jake Thank you very much! You've been wonderful, we've been "Death by Custard", and this will be "Rising Son"!

They leave the stage to be replaced by another band.


Scene 14

Back in the storeroom. Enter the band. They are silent until they are all in the room and the door shut. We can just hear "Rising Son" playing in the background. They stand in a rough circle. Suddenly, they simultaneously let out whoops of delight, relief, excitement, realisation of their success, etc. and start behaving like lunatics. A traditional rock party is under way. Closing titles.